1/10

The Scary Movie series was first offending viewers and raking in cash way back in the year 2000. Using a mix of no name and b-grade actors, the original Scary flick poked fun at the plethora of teen slasher films that made a box office killing during the late nineties. While the film was not devoid of laughs, it was without doubt a lowbrow, cheaply made, calculated and uninventive dive for quick cash. All of this is irrelevant and kind of pointless though right viewers? No one walks into Scary Movie 5 expecting a groundbreaking comedic masterpiece. Nor does anybody expect a profoundly entertaining laugh-a-minuet cinematic riot. What we all want is a film that pokes fun at the current happenings in the social conscience, with of course many a crude and stupid joke thrown in for good measure. What we get is an incredibly dull and completely unfunny misfire of a film.

Previous Scary Movies had a great female protagonist in the form of Anna Farris, who has always exceled at vacant delivery and physical comedy. Her comedic timing and support from other cast members (Chris Elliott and Natasha Lyonne Scary Movie 2, 2001) helped make the other films watchable, or some would say, just bearable. With the latest installment in the franchise, the female lead has been taken over by none other than High School Musical (2006) alumni, Ashley Tisdale. Quite simply, Tisdale is a tanned up, low rent, zero talent no one that shall very soon be a has-been. She has nothing new or magnetic to offer and blends into the furniture better than she does to her role. So what are the other characters like? What are the jokes like? From the opening sequence this film is almost completely devoid of any kind of comedy. Being it low-level slapstick, gross out gags or good old fashion cutting edge wit, this film has none. The opening scene with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan makes their drug and alcohol embarrassments look like child’s play. It is mind numbing and painfully unfunny scene.

Sending up Paranormal Activity has Sheen, ever the Hollywood gentleman, trying to make a sex tape with Lohan. Hilarious right? Lohan herself looks like someone has poured hot wax over her skin and let a toddler sculpt out her facial features. Even if she were to have another attempt at actual acting, sincere emotion couldn’t even register through all the plastic surgery she has had. There are a few cameos added to spice up this bland dish, but they aren’t enough to keep you interested or even fester a laugh long enough that it would probably be mistaken as a hiccup. Snoop Dogg and Kat Williams don’t seem concentrated on comedic timing, but more like they are thinking about what swimming pool they’re going to buy with the extra cash instead. Scary Movie 5 mostly pokes fun at the whole Paranormal Activity series and the newer horror film Mama (2013). Many people have seen the Paranormal series, which is now up to a laughable fourth installment. The horror franchise has had their day and poking fun at them simply doesn’t work. It’s over already. The fact they are still being made is a joke within itself. The movie Mama (reviewed in impulse gamer 7/10) was a moderate hit in America, very moderate. Elsewhere, it has barely made a blimp on the radar. Choosing this film as a main plotline was a big mistake and it keeps a thin veil over what was an ugly idea in the first place.

Scary Movie 5 is a terrible movie. It is a complete waste of time and money. The concerning fact is, this trash will indeed make its money back and then some. Even more concerning is the idea that some viewers will find it funny and perhaps even laugh audibly. By audiences avoiding movies like this and expecting more entertainment and class in our cinema, we will get it. Cinema comes in trends. If stupid cinema doesn’t work, if audiences boycott films like this, the film studios will try something else - something smarter. Re-watch Scary Movie if you must kill a few brain cells. Otherwise, avoid it. Unless you thought Movie 43 was comedic brilliance. In that case you should get Gold Class tickets to this diatribe of distaste and laugh the night away in complete popcorn fueled ignorance.