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Hard Breakers
I have
nothing good to say about this film. Watching it was an exercise in
self-restraint, trying so hard to stay seated and watch the entire
movie. I managed to finish watching and as it ended I realised this is
the movie where actors go to kill their careers.
Tia
Carrere and Tom Arnold, from True Lies fame, and Chris Katten,
from A Night at the Roxbury, are all actors I remembered from my
teens and here they are debasing themselves in such a horrid film. I
can’t imagine that anyone would have read the script for this and
thought that it might be a good idea to get involved. The dialogue is
awful and the story jumps all over the place and doesn’t have a central
theme.
The
story follows two young women, Lindsay (Sophie Monk) and Alexis (Cameron
Richardson) who are disillusioned with the dating scene and so decide to
take matters into their own hands by knocking men unconscious and then
taking them home and seducing them when they wake up. There are so many
ridiculous tangents in this film that to try and describe any more of
the plot line would make this review farcical. An example of these
tangents is Alexis having an audition with director Hertz Waters (Katten)
and he wants her to strip so she leaves. The later she meets him and
seems excited to audition for him again and again it ends badly. Luckily
she is saved from his sexual advances by Lindsay, her ex-boyfriend Bobby
(Scott Elrod), and her father (Arnold) who burst into the room through a
tiny door. I have no idea why the door was so small, nor could I work
out how they knew exactly the right time to burst into the room to save
her. Confused? I certainly was.
Adding
insult to injury, the acting in this film was atrocious. The best actor
in the whole thing was Sophie Monk, if you’ve ever seen her act in
anything you’ll know that this does not bode well for the rest of the
cast. Ricahrdson looked like she’d recently had far too much collagen
implanted into her lips and her face was full of Botox, meaning she
wasn’t actually able to convey any sort of emotion throughout the film.
I want
to be nice and say that at least the camera work was good, however that
would be a lie, it was average at best and I’ll be honest and say that
it only reached those heights once or twice during the film. The only
good thing you could say about the visuals in this film is that the
camera lingers over Monk and Richardson’s bodies while they are wearing
string bikinis. This would only be a good thing though if you’re the
kind of person who enjoys ogling women who have fake breasts and are far
too skinny.
The one
thing about this film that I didn’t truly hate was the soundtrack,
though that’s not to say it was good, I just didn’t hate it. It made the
film ever so slightly bearable being able to listen to fluffy pop songs.
I am
quite sure that Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, the distributor, is
well aware that this DVD won’t make them any money, which is why they
haven’t added any special features, not even a gag reel. Why put money
into something that won’t even break even? In fact why even release this
onto DVD at all?
Unless
you are a serious glutton for punishment or if you enjoy being able to
pick the faces of actors who never really became successful slumming it
then you should never ever watch this. Don’t spend any money on the DVD,
don’t rent it, just steer well clear of it.
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